Three days ago, I broke up with my girlfriend. This means a lot to me...because she was the longest girlfriend I've ever had. We almost made it to a year. There are a lot of things going through my mind. This isn't necessarily one of them, but... well... you'll get the idea. Enjoy.
“Happy Endings” – Margaret Atwood (1983)
John and Mary meet.
What happens next?
If you want a happy ending, try A.
A.
John and Mary fall in love and get married. They both have
worthwhile and remunerative jobs which they find stimulating and challenging.
They buy a charming house. Real estate values go up. Eventually, when they can
afford live-in help, they have two children, to whom they are devoted. The
children turn out well. John and Mary have a stimulating and challenging sex
life and worthwhile friends. They go on fun vacations together. They retire.
They both have hobbies which they find stimulating and challenging. Eventually
they die. This is the end of the story.
B.
Mary falls in love with John but John doesn't fall in love
with Mary. He merely uses her body for selfish pleasure and ego gratification
of a tepid kind. He comes to her apartment twice a week and she cooks him
dinner, you'll notice that he doesn't even consider her worth the price of a
dinner out, and after he's eaten dinner he fucks her and after that he falls
asleep, while she does the dishes so he won't think she's untidy, having all
those dirty dishes lying around, and puts on fresh lipstick so she'll look good
when he wakes up, but when he wakes up he doesn't even notice, he puts on his
socks and his shorts and his pants and his shirt and his tie and his shoes, the
reverse order from the one in which he took them off. He doesn't take off
Mary's clothes, she takes them off herself, she acts as if she's dying for it
every time, not because she likes sex exactly, she doesn't, but she wants John
to think she does because if they do it often enough surely he'll get used to
her, he'll come to depend on her and they will get married, but John goes out
the door with hardly so much as a good-night and three days later he turns up
at six o'clock and they do the whole thing over again.
Mary gets run-down. Crying is bad for your face, everyone
knows that and so does Mary but she can't stop. People at work notice. Her
friends tell her John is a rat, a pig, a dog, he isn't good enough for her, but
she can't believe it. Inside John, she thinks, is another John, who is much
nicer. This other John will emerge like a butterfly from a cocoon, a Jack from
a box, a pit from a prune, if the first John is only squeezed enough.
One evening John complains about the food. He has never
complained about her food before. Mary is hurt.
Her friends tell her they've seen him in a restaurant with
another woman, whose name is Madge. It's not even Madge that finally gets to
Mary: it's the restaurant. John has never taken Mary to a restaurant. Mary
collects all the sleeping pills and aspirins she can find, and takes them and a
half a bottle of sherry. You can see what kind of a woman she is by the fact
that it's not even whiskey. She leaves a note for John. She hopes he'll
discover her and get her to the hospital in time and repent and then they can
get married, but this fails to happen and she dies.
John marries Madge and everything continues as in A.
C.
John, who is an older man, falls in love with Mary, and
Mary, who is only twenty-two, feels sorry for him because he's worried about
his hair falling out. She sleeps with him even though she's not in love with
him. She met him at work. She's in love with someone called James, who is
twenty-two also and not yet ready to settle down.
John on the contrary settled down long ago: this is what is
bothering him. John has a steady, respectable job and is getting ahead in his
field, but Mary isn't impressed by him, she's impressed by James, who has a
motorcycle and a fabulous record collection. But James is often away on his
motorcycle, being free. Freedom isn't the same for girls, so in the meantime
Mary spends Thursday evenings with John. Thursdays are the only days John can
get away.
John is married to a woman called Madge and they have two
children, a charming house which they bought just before the real estate values
went up, and hobbies which they find stimulating and challenging, when they
have the time. John tells Mary how important she is to him, but of course he
can't leave his wife because a commitment is a commitment. He goes on about
this more than is necessary and Mary finds it boring, but older men can keep it
up longer so on the whole she has a fairly good time.
One day James breezes in on his motorcycle with some
top-grade California hybrid and James and Mary get higher than you'd believe
possible and they climb into bed. Everything becomes very underwater, but along
comes John, who has a key to Mary's apartment. He finds them stoned and
entwined. He's hardly in any position to be jealous, considering Madge, but
nevertheless he's overcome with despair. Finally he's middle-aged, in two years
he'll be as bald as an egg and he can't stand it. He purchases a handgun,
saying he needs it for target practice--this is the thin part of the plot, but
it can be dealt with later--and shoots the two of them and himself.
Madge, after a suitable period of mourning, marries an
understanding man called Fred and everything continues as in A, but under
different names.
D.
Fred and Madge have no problems. They get along exceptionally well and are
good at working out any little difficulties that may arise. But their charming
house is by the seashore and one day a giant tidal wave approaches. Real estate
values go down. The rest of the story is about what caused the tidal wave and
how they escape from it. They do, though thousands drown, but Fred and Madge
are virtuous and grateful, and continue as in A.
E.
Yes, but Fred has a bad heart. The rest of the story is
about how kind and understanding they both are until Fred dies. Then Madge
devotes herself to charity work until the end of A. If you like, it can be
"Madge," "cancer," "guilty and confused," and
"bird watching."
F.
If you think this is all too bourgeois, make John a
revolutionary and Mary a counterespionage agent and see how far that gets you.
Remember, this is Canada. You'll still end up with A, though in between you may
get a lustful brawling saga of passionate involvement, a chronicle of our
times, sort of.
You'll have to face it, the endings are the same however you
slice it. Don't be deluded by any other endings, they're all fake, either
deliberately fake, with malicious intent to deceive, or just motivated by
excessive optimism if not by downright sentimentality.
The only authentic ending is the one provided here:
John and Mary die. John and Mary die. John and Mary die.
So much for endings.
Beginnings are always more fun. True connoisseurs, however, are known to favor
the stretch in between, since it's the hardest to do anything with.
That's about all that can be said for plots, which anyway
are just one thing after another, a what, and a what, and a what.
Now try How and Why.
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